The following review originally was written for The Parallax Review, a film review site of which I was the co-founder and managing editor. I have decided to collect the writings I did for The Parallax Review and preserve them here. I will be posting a few of these older pieces every week. My review of Inception was for the “Special Contributors” section of The Parallax Review in which we satirized the types of terrible reviews we hated reading online.

by Shaye Marie, Special Contributor

We here at The Parallax Review don’t like writers with agendas. After spending years reading agenda-based film reviews all over the Internet, we’ve taken upon ourselves to satirize the most popular archetypes, because anything worth changing is worth mocking. Our Special Contributors are not real people, but they might as well be.

WTF? I thought this movie was like, supposed to be good? It’s not, it’s really stupid! I mean, I even asked everyone who was at the movie with me, and they didn’t understand it at all.

It has something to do with Leonardo DiCaprio (who’s still a hottie even though he’s getting a little old) hypnotizing people to make them do what he wants. At least, I think that’s what it was about. And there was something about that scrawny little kid from that alien sitcom getting in a fistfight while floating in the air. But none of it made any sense.

I get that it was supposed to be a little confusing, but I couldn’t even get up to use the bathroom. I did about thirty minutes into it and when I came back, Jenny couldn’t even explain to me what had happened because she was so confused and then this jerk in front of us turned around and shushed us! Rude! I was just trying to understand this crappy movie that everyone was going on about.

Anyway, I got so frustrated, I texted Denise who was seeing it at the same time on a date. She texted me back that she was just as confused! So it wasn’t just us. Nobody understands this movie! I texted Nick, even though he’s been kind of an ass since our last date. Anyway, he likes all of these movies that the critics love, but he didn’t text back. I asked him later why he didn’t, and he said it was because I shouldn’t be using my phone in the theater! What an ass! Then, when I told him that the movie was stupid, he said maybe it’s not the movie that’s stupid! The nerve!

Anyway, there’s all this stuff about cities that bend and go upside down, and that pregnant chick from Juno has something to do with it. Then there’s some freaky French lady who is running around trying to kill people but she doesn’t really exist or something.

I stopped at the box office and asked the pimply-faced kid working the window if he understood the movie and he just showed me some printed out synopsis. It said that the movie takes place inside dreams! That’s a total load of B.S.! I watched that whole movie (aside from going to the bathroom three times and leaving once to get popcorn) and I never once saw them mention anything about dreams. I went back through all 43 texts that Denise sent me about the movie, and she never mentions a dream. Neither did Tony who was also watching the movie while we sent messages to each other on Facebook. I still say it was hypnosis and Denise agrees with me.

Even worse than the fact that it was stupid (I know I’m repeating myself, but I can’t say it enough. This movie was STUPID.), is that I couldn’t get it out of my head. We went to Nexxus after the movie. That’s that new club in Silver Lake that just opened. It’s awesome because normally you have to wait like two hours to get inside, but I knew the guy at the door, so he let us right in. Anyway, the D.J. was spinning a really killer new remix of Poker Face and I just couldn’t enjoy it because I was busy trying to understand if that Japanese guy in the movie actually died or not. Frustrating! Get out of my head stupid movie!

I think the guy who made the movie just wanted to confuse people. That’s the only thing I can come up with because I’m really smart and so are Denise and Jenny. We all saw The Time Traveler’s Wife and like, so got it. We couldn’t make heads or tails out of it other than all agreeing on hypnosis instead of dreams. And if you’re smart too, you’ll listen to me instead of all those critics. Everyone says I have great taste in movies. Just ask Joanna who didn’t want to see Vampires Suck until I told her how funny it was. She loved it and kept texting me her favorite scenes while she was watching it.

I think I’ve said everything that needs to be said about this piece of — hold on, I’ve gotta take this call.

— Matt Wedge

Shaye Marie works as a freelance bartender at clubs throughout the Chicagoland and Northwest Indiana area.

Read all the extraneous crap that goes through my head by following me on Twitter.