The following review originally was written for The Parallax Review, a film review site of which I was the co-founder and managing editor. I have decided to collect the writings I did for The Parallax Review and preserve them here. I will be posting a few of these older pieces every week. My review of Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time was for the “Special Contributors” section of The Parallax Review in which we satirized the types of terrible reviews we hated reading online.

by Rick Hartley, Special Contributor

We here at The Parallax Review don’t like writers with agendas. After spending years reading agenda-based film reviews all over the Internet, we’ve taken upon ourselves to satirize the most popular archetypes, because anything worth changing is worth mocking. Our Special Contributors are not real people, but they might as well be.

Today’s Guy Movie: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

What’s up, gang? The Hartman back with another kickass GUY MOVIE! And you know what? This one’s kind of a shocker.

Last night, Vicki was complaining that we never see any movies that she wants to see. So, trying to keep the peace (and keep getting a piece), I offered to go see anything she wanted at the second-run theater (I may be pussy whipped, but I’m not made of money). You can imagine how much I thought the night was going to suck when she wanted to see that Disney movie with the guy from the gay cowboy movie. But, I have to say, I’m not too proud to admit when I’m wrong, and brother, was I ever wrong. This movie freakin’ rocked!

First of all, I have to give it up to that Jake Gyllenhaal (Thanks for the spelling help, Vicki!) guy. He’s totally awesome in this flick! He kicks ass and he’s really ripped in this movie! Seriously, the only other things I’ve seen him in were other movies that Vicki picked. One was really weird, called Danny Dorko or something like that. It wasn’t bad, just really strange. But he was just lame in it. He was all whiny and a smartass and really puny. The other one was that Brokeback Mountain movie. I just didn’t get that flick. And it’s not like I’m a homophobe or anything. I mean, some of my friends say “fag” and stuff, but I never do that. But, I still didn’t get what the big deal was about that movie, even if Vicki claims that I got tears in my eyes (I didn’t, I just had to yawn and you know how that makes your eyes water). Anyway, we all got a good look at him in that movie. Obviously, more than any of us wanted to see, and he was in okay shape. I mean he wasn’t ripped or anything, but I could see how a gay guy might go for him. Not that I’m able to look at a dude and understand that line of thinking. But he didn’t really impress me in that one, either. But in this new one, he is the man! I don’t know what kind of workout regimen he was on, but he was absolutely cut in this flick. His arms are toned and huge even without flexing. His pecs are solid, without being overdone like a bodybuilder’s. But the abs are where he really pulls it all together. Simply put, they’re awesome!

Of course, none of this would matter if the movie wasn’t any good. But, it’s pretty badass. There’s a dagger that can turn back time and a hot princess played by that chick who was in the last James Bond movie. And the main guy has two brothers who are out to get him, but they never seem to pose any kind of a threat, because they’re not in the same shape that he’s in and can’t do all these crazy stunts to get out of danger. I mean, the one brother is in pretty good shape, but it’s obvious that he’s set up to fail because he just doesn’t have the rockin’ abs like Gyllenhaal does. And Vicki said he wasn’t as good looking. I guess I’ll just have to take her word on that because I just don’t see guys that way.

Anyway, there’s lots of cool stunts and special effects. The bad guy is really good (the scientist guy from Species) and there’s some laughs where they make fun of ostriches and stuff.

The only thing I can complain about is that there’s not enough eye-candy to go around. There’s the hot princess and not anything else when it comes to chicks in this movie. I think she should have had some hot friends or something. Not that it would have mattered much since it’s PG-13 and they won’t let people get naked. And you know what? Since Vicki always complains that I’m sexist about these things, maybe they should have given the women more good-looking guys to check out. I mean, apart from Gyllenhaal. Maybe it’s a budget thing and they couldn’t afford a bunch of male models, but all they would have to do is have Gyllenhaal go shirtless more often. I know that if I put in all that work to get that cut, I’d show off. Hey Jake! You sculpted it, you might as well show off the artwork! Seriously, I don’t mean to get off track, but I can’t get over the shape he’s in. My roommate, Chad, works out all the time and I can’t help but notice what a great physique he’s got, especially when he comes out of the shower wearing only a towel, but he doesn’t even come close to Gyllenhaal in this flick. Maybe he should come out with his own fitness video called The Persian Workout. He could go through his workout and show how he got so ripped. Hell, I’d buy it.

Anyway, maybe if Gyllenhaal got to showcase his badass new body a little more, this would have been a four star movie. As it is, I can only give it: 3½ out of 4.

Still, I will definitely be looking out for the sequel and Jake Gyllenhaal’s next flick to see if he’s kept up the workouts and looks just as awesome when shirtless.

— Matt Wedge

Rick Hartley attends Southern Illinois University in Carbondale. He is a proud member of the Sigma Epsilon Chi fraternity.

Read all the extraneous crap that goes through my head by following me on Twitter.